Toxic relationships can be hard to understand, especially when you’re in one. I know this because I’ve been there. At the time, I didn’t recognize the unhealthy patterns at play—I just knew I felt anxious and stuck in cycles of hurt and repair.
One of the most significant relationships in my life was a friendship that, for a long time, was deeply co-dependent. We lacked boundaries, I people-pleased, and beneath it all was a constant undercurrent of rejection and hurt. We both needed each other to fill different voids.
For me, I was always seeking her approval. I placed her opinion on a pedestal—if she wasn’t pleased with me, then I wasn’t pleased with me. Growing up, I lacked direction, and I think I found comfort in the way she naturally took the lead. In some ways, her influence made me feel loved; it reassured me that someone cared enough to guide me ( I was unhealthily compliant).
Looking back, I can now see the deeper dynamics at work.
🔹 My tendency to seek approval and depend on someone else’s guidance didn’t appear out of nowhere—it had roots in my past. I was unconsciously reenacting earlier relational patterns. Maybe at some point in my life, I internalized the idea that my worth was tied to someone else’s validation. This made me more vulnerable to forming co-dependent bonds.
🔹 The struggle I had in this friendship wasn’t just about my friend—it was about my own self-concept. I wasn’t showing up as my true, authentic self. Instead, I was molding myself into what I thought would keep the friendship stable. I believed that being agreeable and compliant made me more lovable.
🔹 I had an underlying belief that I wasn’t enough on my own, which led me to act in ways that reinforced that belief—seeking validation, avoiding conflict, and ignoring my own needs.
My patterns weren’t random. They were protective strategies that had once served a purpose—but they were no longer helping me grow.
How We Broke Free from Unhealthy Patterns
The turning point came when we both began to recognize the unhealthy dynamic we had created. Instead of unconsciously using each other to fill emotional gaps, we brought our struggles to God.
We realized that no human could meet our deepest needs—only He could. As we each turned to Him for security, affirmation, and healing, we naturally began to shift in our friendship.
✅ We learned to set healthier boundaries.
✅ We let go of the pressure to meet each other’s emotional needs in ways only God could.
✅ We developed a more balanced, mutual friendship—one built on respect, not dependence.
We’re now closer than ever, not because we need each other to survive, but because we try to show up as our real, whole selves.
Final Thoughts
Toxic relationships don’t always have to end—but they do have to change. If you find yourself in an unhealthy dynamic, it’s important to step back and reflect:
- What patterns are at play?
- What needs am I trying to meet in this relationship?
- Am I showing up as my authentic self?
Healing starts with awareness. If you need support, talking to a counselor can help you untangle the deeper layers of your relationships and move toward healthier connections. You don’t have to do this alone. 💛