“Without the free play of emotions, there would be no thrill of discovery, no entertainment over humorous situations, no excitement at seeing a beloved person. Human beings would operate purely at a ‘cerebral’ level, devoid of the feeling tones that make their lives vibrant rather than mechanical.”
“… in one respect, the depressed person is like a purely ‘cerebral’ being: He can see the point of a joke but is not amused.” – Cognitive therapy of Depression by Aaron T.Beck et.al., p.34
These lines stood out to me as tears rolled down my face.
“OMG, I think i might actually be depressed!” I thought
Something I’ve always thought and known but couldn’t quite put into words. I knew—felt—that I had shut down certain desires ( amongst many other things that led to this conclusion), but I didn’t fully understand what that meant until I went and looked up the definition of “cerebral.”
This reminded me of something similar to a defense mechanism called intellectualization. When emotions feel overwhelming or even dangerous, the brain tries to protect itself by detaching. Instead of feeling, you analyze. Instead of connecting emotionally, you observe from a distance. You think your way through experiences rather than actually experiencing them.
And I realized then— this was something I did all the time.
How Did I Get Here?
The only difference between me personally and the description in the quote was that, as a born-again Christian filled with the Holy Spirit, I still had a deep sense of hope inside me. The same hope that allowed me to feel random bursts of joy or enjoyment at times and to see a light at the end of the tunnel. “ Jesus will deliver me from this pit one day” I would encourage myself.
But for the most part, I knew I should have been enjoying certain things—time out with friends and family, quality moments with my husband… But what happened was that the most basic things in life became a drag to me.
It was like I was just ticking boxes.
I tried to connect with loved ones not because I deeply desired to but because I knew it was important—for me, and for them.
But deep within me, there was always something pulling me toward isolation. Over the years, I often gave in to it. But in more recent times, I really fought it. I forced myself to engage.
And this is where Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) would call attention to the cycle of avoidance and forced action.
🔹 Avoidance: My natural response was to withdraw—because something inside me associated connection with discomfort or even danger.
🔹 Forced Action: But I knew isolation wasn’t good for me, so I made the effort. Yet, because I was forcing it without addressing the root belief, the experience itself felt hollow.
🔹 Reinforcement of the Belief: Because I wasnt truly feeling joy, my brain confirmed the belief that “maybe I just don’t enjoy these things”, which then made me withdraw again ( a vicious cycle).
This is where the CBT technique of cognitive restructuring comes in:
💡 What if it’s not that I don’t enjoy connection, but that my brain has learned to associate it with something unsafe?
Why Does Solitude/isolation Feel Safer?
My only words to the part of me drawn to solitude were:
“I DON’T NEED YOU ANYMORE. I DON’T WANT YOU ANYMORE”.
But why did it still feel like I did?
When I think about why someone would choose solitude, the message that comes to mind is:
“Out there isn’t safe. People are dangerous. The world is dangerous. So be small, hide, don’t be seen.”
At some point in my life, hiding meant survival.
✅ We had to hide during the genocide—because if we were seen, that meant annihilation.
✅ Later, we had to flee from war—because staying meant destruction.
✅ Then came sexual assault—where silence and withdrawal felt like the only way to be safe.
Each of these experiences left implicit memories in my nervous system.
🔹 Implicit memory is different from regular memory. You don’t just remember—your body remembers.
🔹 Your nervous system stores the response: withdrawal = safety.
So, even though I was physically safe, my body hadn’t caught up with that truth yet.
But what I wanted to communicate to my body was:
“NADIA, YOU ARE SAFE. YOU DON’T NEED TO HIDE ANYMORE!!”
But it seemed nothing was working!